| The Perks of Being a Wallflower |
Literature classes have been interesting to
say the least. Last week we were given a task to read the novel the Perks of
Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky and I guess since that I’ve been in my
head quite a lot. So, here’s me rambling about random thoughts so I can get
things out and pull myself together.
A little background story (and spoilers), in
the book Charlie’s best friend, Michael, killed himself but he didn’t leave any
note, or at least his parents wouldn’t show it to other people. That messes
Charlie up because he couldn’t help thinking why. Why did Michael kill
himself? If he had problems, why didn’t he talk to Charlie about it? Why was
there no note?
(I felt the need to mention this is not the
main plot of the novel but I am just so hung up on this.)
Both the movie and the novel showed some
significance to the song Asleep by The Smiths so I decided to give it a listen.
My first time listening to it, I thought it was such a slow song (not
really in a good way) so I listened to it again later that night. And again,
and again, and again until it was on repeat for a few days.
Sing me to
sleep
I’m tired,
I’m dying
I want to
go to bed.
Sing me to
sleep
And then
leave me alone
Don’t try
to wake me in the morning
Cause I
will be gone.
Don’t feel
bad for me
I want you
to know
Deep in
the cell of my heart
I will
feel so glad to go.
I think Charlie likes the song because it
feels like the note he’s been looking for, an explanation of some sort. It
feels like Michael telling Charlie to let him go, to let him have this decision
of leaving, that he just wants an out. The song gives a feeling that he killed
himself not because it was the only option he had left, but because out
of every other option in front of him, that seemed to be the best one. He was
not falling into a bottomless pit. He was running towards the end
of the tunnel.
Now, sticking to side plot of the novel, when
Charlie was talking about Michael’s death and him not leaving a note, he said
this: “I wish I knew. It might make me miss him more clearly. It might have
made sad sense.”
My heart cried.
“I wish I knew him a little longer. It
might make me miss him more clearly now that I know who he really was. It might
have made sense where all of this sadness is coming from.”
Same words, different contexts.
Here’s another sad thing I’ve been thinking
about. The other day I read a Tumblr post about the This Is Gospel music video by
Panic! at the Disco. Basically, in the video Brendon isn’t trying to escape the
people who want to kill him. They are actually saving him. He isn’t escaping death,
he is trying to escape life.
After I read that I watched the music video
with that thought in mind and I got so overwhelmed that I had to lie down on my
bed for a good 2 minutes to get my thoughts together. All I could thing about
was “I didn’t ask for this.” If you love me, let me go.
Background story: we have a poetry presentation
assessment and I have been trying to stay with a ‘thing’ that I want to write
about (provided the theme is suitable for whatever the ‘thing’ is). So I tapped
into my dark, poetic side and tried to think if I could come up with a poem
from all of these thoughts. Asleep, This is Gospel, and an old idea I had that
was actually for something else but I thought I could work around it. Maybe, maybe,
I can write something but there’s still so much to think about and I’ll try
to keep this in mind.
Anyways, here’s another sad thought:
“Was he trying to commit suicide?”
“Committing suicide would mean taking his own
life. He was trying to give back what was never his.”
(Sister has been to some dark places lately,
don’t mind me.)
This entry is literally nothing but a
scratch on the surface of what has been going on in my head and now that they’re
out, I genuinely feel less crappy. Have a good weekend, everyone.
-Nik.
Nik Fateen. An introvert trying to find home in a foreign space.