2018 was a long year.
I spent the first 6 months rotting at home
with the occasional and dreadful driving lessons, drawing, watching
YouTube, writing and wasting my life away. The next six months was filled with
new experiences of uni life, new environment and new friends. All in all, it
was a year of huge progress for me.
I don’t really like to talk about me and
essentially me in any of my social media platforms (although, let’s be honest,
my main is my Instagram page) but the reason for this blog is for me to talk
about me and what I have learned so that I won’t forget them. It’s a reminder
that I’ve been good, and I wanna stay good.
I have a feeling that this is going to be a
long one so bear with me.
Let’s start with progress. In high school,
I was a huge pain in the ass for those who knew me then. Believe me, I was
emotional, egoistic, self-centred, sensitive, ugh, I was a bitch. I
hated people who didn’t get me, especially those who had known me for a while.
I cut people off, shut them down, and turned my back against them for as long
as I didn’t hear an apology. I took things personally and I got angry easily. I
must have thought I was a fucking queen or some shit.
2018 came and ‘isolation’ began. I spent months
away from people including those whom I held grudges against. In those months,
it clicked. Why did it matter? A lot of things I was angry about, a
lot if not all of them are petty things, small things that I magnified into
something bigger than what I could possibly handle. So I dropped everything and
cut ties cause I didn’t want to face the burden I’ve created myself. How
cowardice was that? How selfish was I?
I started to see things more clearly when I
realized none of that shit matters because in those months when I craved for an
interaction, I realized I missed the times I had with people, even the ‘bad’
ones. It put things into perspective and I saw how small those problems were
and I was wrong to say they were wrong. I never liked confrontation, so I
avoided them all, dropped it like it was hot.
I don’t know if they’re reading this but I
reached out to some people whom I must have hurt the most and apologize for
what I did, for how I acted because of my ego. And I hope they know I really am
sincere. I fucked it all up, I’m sorry that I’m only learning that now.
About a week ago, I asked some people if
they knew if some of our mutual contacts still hold any grudges against me and
for them to contact me in case they wanted to talk. Both said that it was all
in the past. Why was I obsessed with the past? It was this tiny part of me who
still clings to it and needs that validation that I have grown, that I am
forgiven. And because of that mere fact alone, I knew I was not really
progressing in that sense.
I kept looking back to see which parts of
myself I was still yet to improve, which mistakes I was yet to make up to, when
there’s so much still ahead of me, parts of myself I can build, people I am yet
to connect with. I forgot to build ‘future me’ because I was too busy seeing
how different ‘present me’ was compared to ‘old me’. Well, guess what? ‘Present
me’ is old news now. It’s time for ‘future me’.
And I know not everyone will understand
this next bit but I pray that I am progressing in the sense of I’m letting
someone go. Not fully, this person is still my friend. But I wish I am right to
think I am less dependent on them. I don’t need them to feel completely happy, I
can do that for myself. Maybe the second this person comes back I’ll fall back
on my knees but I’m praying that I won’t. It’s been tiring. I’ve been okay with
the absence so far, it’s not as haunting. And maybe the presence won’t overwhelm
me as much the next time it comes. Yeah, I’m hoping for that.
That’s already too much information. Moving
on!
2019 is a year of projects for me,
folks. I’m talking The A Project, DK and LST. Hold on, before you scratch the
back of your head, I’ll break it down for you.
The A Project is by far the oldest thing I
have been working on. I’ve probably had it since I was 13 or 14. Okay, the
history behind it is that I had two pieces of paper that I folded and kept in my
wallet back in 2013/2014. On one paper I wrote some of my favourite quotes from
the stories I was reading on Wattpad. One of them, if I remember correctly, was
“You said you wanted to show me hell. I’ve been through hell.” One
another paper, I wrote down poems or quotes or whatever it was I had in mind. I
wrote ‘The A Project’ on the top of that piece of paper, and it was really a
project between me and myself to become somewhat a writer. The first project,
the ‘me’ project, ‘A’ project. That’s what it was, and I’m still trying to
build that.
LST stands for ‘less screen time’ and it’s
a project to build the artistic side of me. I draw, in case you haven’t noticed,
but I know I’m not great at it. I just do it because it’s fun, it helps me to
kill time, and it helps a lot in keeping me away from scrolling down my
Instagram or binge-watching YouTube or TV shows. And really, it’s something I
see myself improving in, although slightly and slowly. I’m happy with that. I
like knowing I have skills in something, although barely. And it gives me a
sense of pride looking at the results after 2 sometimes even 5 hours of drawing,
even though it turned out ‘meh’. It’s mine. I did that. I’m proud of it,
regardless. And I’m planning to do more than drawing, I’ll find something else,
or suggest me some if you’d like.
DK is or will be a big project, it’ll also
run for a long time considering everything. This will sound ridiculous, but to
hell with it. It stands for Daniel Kaluuya and the story behind this project is
the Actors on Actors talk Daniel did with Timothee. Towards the end of it, Timmy
asked Daniel for an advice on how to choose a project, how does he know if he
wants to do it. And Daniel said, “I feel like I did Get Out not cause it was
big but cause I believed in it… Listen if I feel it, if I feel it, then I feel
it.”
I want to write something Daniel Kaluuya will
read someday and say, “I feel this.” He’s such a good actor, man. I can’t
stress that enough. Get Out was a crazy, mind blowing movie and his acting in
it was phenomenon. So was his acting in Black Mirror. Ugh.
So yeah, that’s DK. A long writing project
which I’m wrecking my brain on how to start writing. I have the main plot, but
the rest is nada. A little teaser, by the way, it’ll circle around the
phrase “one lie, wrapped around truth, will be a good story.” And I need it to
be good.
To have a writing or writings of mine
published is definitely a goal for me, one that I have had for a long time and
who knows if this is it?
Dude, I have a lot of shit I want to
do. I want to be a freaking radio host and have my own session called “No tea,
no shade. Just some real talk.” where I can interview celebrities about the
real deal. The art, the message, the meaning instead of publicity stunt
bullcrap. I want to have a podcast where I just talk about whatever the hell I
want with my friends and have discussions and still not sound like a
pretentious douche. And I know it’s really contradictory to my quiet
non-talkative nature in front of people but I lowkey want to do all of that. It
seems fun.
And again, I’m writing all of this down as
a reminder, a motivator. Take it or leave it as that.
Anyway, I don’t want to rant anymore. So, folks!
Keep building yourself to be the best version of you you can possibly be. That’s
the word of the day (and year), progress.
What’s your project for 2019?
-Nik.
Nik Fateen. An introvert trying to find home in a foreign space.