People always make a big deal about finding
or creating yourself and being you.
But who are you?
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Pondering
over what defines us and what really makes us who we said we are. Every time I
think of this, I will always remember these two textposts from Tumblr (because
that is where every real life’s lesson at). I can’t quote them word by word and
I couldn’t find the screenshots, but I do remember roughly what it said.
Someone asked their friend “How would you define yourself?”
and this friend answered with “Having a definition means there is no room for
change.”
There’s some unspoken pressure on staying true to “who
you are” and liking the things that you used to, dressing a certain way and
having the same opinion on things.
So, I have a new question; is it really
important to know what makes you you? Keep in mind that by that, I don’t mean
the biological and established stuffs like your race, gender, religion, nation
and etcetera. I’m talking specifically about your personality traits, behaviour
and even perspective.
To not be hypocrite, I gotta admit that I
have my fair share of days when my excuse for a certain negative behaviour is
because ‘I’m an angry person’ or ‘that’s just who I am’. Well, 2018 me is
calling bullshit on that. I only said that because I thought people would take
the bite and let me be, thinking that it was all personal for me. That was my
defence mechanism, making people feel guilty for not understanding who I was.
And that’s as childish as it gets.
Me being ‘this’ type of person was not an excuse to all the crap that I did. It
still isn’t one for all the crap that I do. Never was and never will be.
Because I have the capability of changing and I should. For how long am I going to hide behind the shadow of ‘being
my true self’ and not allowing me to grow as a person? For how long am I going
to stay being the screwed up that I am? For how long am I going to shift the
blame on everybody else because they didn’t take the time out of their day to
understand me, to cater to my needs?
I’m not a baby anymore, I’m 18 years old
and I have all the limbs that I need to start changing today.
But to change or not to change is a
pressure on itself, isn’t it? Because then
what would I be? Well, you can be anything that you want. And the thing
about change is that it is not permanent. You’re free to switch it off and on,
no pressure. For example, if an introvert wants to suddenly be extra friendly
and talk to everyone is the room for one day, let it be. If that cold-hearted
kid who never speaks suddenly wants to be nice and treat everybody in class
during lunch, let it be. (Honestly though, if this happens and you ruin it,
you’re dead to me).
You change, you evolve as a person, you grow
up. But sometimes you’re too afraid of acting on those changes because that
had always been how people know you
as. And that sucks. People should not put pressure on how a person chooses to
express oneself because they’re used to how it is and changing it will be
weird. I say, people can take their funny little expectations and shove it up
their ass.
Be as spontaneous as you want. Spice it up.
Or not. Stick to a routine if you’re feeling like it. The sky is the limit! But
if you want to play on the ground, that’s fine too. Because you’re the only one
who has the power and right to steer the wheel. Don’t let go. But one day you
may feel tired and wants to leave the rest to the world, I guess that’s okay
too. Whatever you choose to be, as long
as you’re hurting nobody, that’s alright. Don’t let people tell you
differently. Darling, you’ve been tired for so long. Take a rest.
And just because I take myself as one
thing, it doesn’t mean I can’t change. It does not mean I can’t be better.
So, to end this one, I guess what really defines you is what you
choose to do with that question.
-Nik.
Nik Fateen. An introvert trying to find home in a foreign space.