Life Journal

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

My Instagram

Now, let’s talk about me. (Wow, very amazing intro!)

I’m more of a private person or I’d like to think so, at least. If you follow me on Instagram you’d know that I don’t usually post pictures of me or my friends there. My feed is a bit boring for some, but frankly, I don’t care about what they want.

It really isn’t about me not liking how I look or preferring not to show my face to people. I don’t prefer showing my face to people (because let’s get real, I’m not that pretty), but again, it’s not my insecurities that keep me from posting more pictures of myself. It’s more on what Instagram is to me and how I choose to use it. If it is an insecurity thing, I would’ve made my account private a long time ago, but I didn’t.

For me, it is an art platform. It’s more of a place for me to express myself in a form of writing and sometimes drawing (I know I still suck at it, shut up) because it’s so much fun. Playing with words and stringing them together to create some sentences which people are free to take in and interpret is so fun. And trying to find a picture that I can draw (which is a very difficult task) and drawing it (which is an even harder task) to match a quote that I have in mind is exciting for me. I really don’t know how else to explain it to you. Writing gives me some liberation from these confining thoughts but it still gives me a shield which I can hide behind. I can share a piece of myself with people without giving out everything. Revealed, but mysterious. An open book, but with words written in Braille.

I had always been conscious about how I present myself to the world. Every post was calculated. How much of me are they going to reveal? How much of my deepest darkest thoughts would be brought to light? And even better, how will they help other people in one way or another? It was a bit too much to think about, honestly. So I stick to one rule; let your art be the subject of other’s interpretation, not yourself. That is why I write, and the reason why I love doing it. It gives me a stage that I can perform on and let my so-called art speak to the people. My Instagram isn’t the most aesthetic thing out there, I’m highly aware of this, but I like it the way it is. It’s simple and it is exactly how I want it to be.

I have one personal internal goal that I’m still trying to work on and that is to share less on the Internet. I feel like the value of privacy is really overlooked by people now because we tend to share everything on our social media account. My followers don’t need to know what I’m having for dinner or where did I go out to with my friends. And of course, they don’t need, and frankly don’t deserve, to know about all my problems. Oh, the turns and turbulences I face in my daily life! It’s not like they give a shit anyway. I don’t see the point of posting these rants saying so and so on WhatsApp status, Instagram posts and stories, Tweets and whatnot. Somehow, if I did so, I would feel like I’m asking to get my feelings validated by other people.

Having people responding to my whining, complaints and critics gives me the idea that somebody else understands what I am going through and that my feelings are legitimate. And I don’t like that. I don’t want to depend on other people to confirm on what I am feeling about in the moment. I don’t want people to have a vote if I should be feeling what I feel or is it even the right emotion. Again, I am not a subject to be interpreted by other people. It is my personal experience and to understand it I would have to dig deep into myself, not seek refuge from outsiders.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you can’t vent to a friend or seek professional help. I’m just trying to emphasize that those 500+ followers of yours are not all your close friends or are able to offer help. So pick and choose your fighters.

In spite everything I just said and how distant I may appear, I don’t mind people coming to me (physically or virtually) to have a conversation. I really like that actually, especially if it is regarding what I posted and you somehow relate to it and feel like having a chat. I thoroughly enjoy a good conversation.

To wrap everything up, I’d say that Instagram for me is a place where I do my “art” and let it affect people depending on how they react to it, their interpretation of it. It could be anything for all I know, but that’s none of my business.

-Nik.