What I learned this semester |
Let me just say that this semester has been
wild and I absolutely did not love it. Really, the only
perk is that I get free food at home.
That being said, I am among the lucky ones.
I don’t have a lot of problems with learning from home in terms of my Internet
connection, family situation, other responsibilities and etc. Well, except for
that one time TNB was doing maintenance work in my area so I couldn’t join the
class on the day my group was presenting. That was peachy :’)
It’s unfortunate that we had to go through
this semester online. Some of the subjects I take are very interesting and the
lecturers are great at explaining and teaching. They did well even through Zoom
or Google Meet but I think things would’ve gone much better in in-class
sessions. And inevitably some of the subjects were a pain to get through and the
whole situation was just not helping.
Let me tell you something; online learning
brings out the worst in people. A tiny fraction of my group mates (I’m sure
they’re not reading this) were impossible to work with. And I’ve heard horror stories
from other people too. Man, the audacity of these people. Look, I understand it’s
a tough time. Some people might be going through things I couldn’t have wrapped
my head around. But honestly I, and I’m sure most people will agree, can try to
understand one’s situation if they have just told me about it. Mate, if you’re
working in a group and you can’t do something that they asked you to do, just
say it. You don’t have to explain your situation, I can understand some things
are sensitive, but a simple ‘hey, I’m sorry. I’m going through some stuffs right
now so I don’t think I can contribute much, if any. Just count me out.’ But
some of you can’t even apologize, I‘m-
Not you, someone else. You were great,
boo.
I’m waffling. Anyway, speaking of people going
through things we don’t know about I just want to say I’m sorry if I don’t
check up on you throughout this whole thing. Most of the time, I have this fear
of intruding or invading people’s space so I tend not to text first. Even when
I’m replying to someone’s story, status, tweet or commenting on a post, I
always think twice in case I’m just inserting myself in places I don’t belong.
It’s definitely not a fun thought process, but it is what it is. I try to keep
in touch but I’m so bad at it so I’m sorry if I’m not there when you need me to
say something. If you want to talk, truly, my dm’s are open. I don’t mind if we’re
close or not, or that we haven’t spoken to each other for some time. I hope you’re
okay.
While we’re on this topic, I understand
that sometimes we don’t open up to people because we’re scared of bothering them.
I know for a fact that’s one of my problems. I always have this feeling that I
have it easy, my life is good, so I have nothing to complain about. But boy do
I have news for you! Sometimes I get sad for no reason. Sometimes I get upset
over little things. Sometimes my problems aren’t so little after all but I convince
myself it is because that’s what I think I should do.
But lately I’ve been teaching myself that
pain is pain. It’s there whether I like it or not. And I admit, it’s hard to
draw the line between things I can talk to people about and things that are best
kept to myself or a smaller circle of friends. I make mistakes. I overshare, I
don’t share at all, I speak to the wrong people, I don’t speak at all. It’s
weird and confusing and my God, I’m still learning. I’m still teaching myself
that I am loved by the people around me, who are also willing to help me. And you
are loved too.
Oops, we got a little too sappy there.
Speaking of talking about and listening to
each other’s problems, there’s another dilemma there. There are times I will
feel tired of listening to other people. Yes, I’m well aware how horrible that
sounds. But honestly, it happens. And every time it does, a part of me will
think, ‘they’re the one dealing with that problem, can you stop
complaining for having to listen to it?’ And another part of me thinks, ‘bro
you’re so tired right now and you’re only gonna get agitated and make things
worse instead of helping.’
This is where communication is important.
Sometimes I have to be upfront and say, ‘I can’t handle this right now, but I
hope you’re okay.’ Personally, I don’t exactly hold on to ‘if they really care for
you, they will make time for you.’ I mean, it’s not necessarily wrong. But I don’t
like the implication that if they can’t make time for you, they don’t really
care. Sometimes, I have other things I need to take care of, I could be very
busy, or I could be emotionally unavailable or not in the right headspace to
listen. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that time (and timing) can be a
bitch.
So how do we decide when to reach out in
case the other person is not ready to help? Well, we just ask. We’re adults, we
can understand that we have responsibilities and priorities. We understand that
we have our own problems. I try to start with, ‘can I talk to you about this?’
if I want to vent. And I try to reply with, ‘I’m sorry, can’t talk now. I’ll
get back to you ASAP,’ if someone wants to vent but the timing isn’t right. I
don’t think such conversations should be at anyone’s expenses, I don’t think
anyone deserves to carry their pain alone or to take more than what they can
handle.
This one hell of a semester teaches me that
out of all things. I wish for nothing more but being able to take next semester
in campus. With caution, of course. I miss seeing my friends. When my
introverted ass is looking forward to go out with a bunch of people, you know it’s
been too long. I hope to see everyone in October.
-Nik.