Tomorrow is Jan 1st 2020. How crazy is that? Time flies when you're having but it also flies when you've had a weird ass year. A few years down the line, I'm pretty sure I'll have the urge to travel back in time and give 2019 a good slap in the face. I can already feel the cringe coming. God, poor future me. She has so much to feel embarrassed about…

But let's start this with a good note. I had a bad week earlier this month (so much for a good note) and I called whatever I was feeling as Spiraling, which will be explained later, and I learned quite an important thing that week. For the most part, I didn't want to talk to anyone about what was going on because I thought it didn't matter, because it was on and off throughout the week. Nothing was intense or overwhelming. And I've had that before, I know the feeling quite well, and I know how to handle myself in that situation. But I just couldn't get myself out of it. For the record, I did talk to, like, one person about it but it came to a point where I felt like I was being repetitive. And I didn't want to bother that person with the same problem. So I tried bothering someone else (heh). 

What both of them said when I talked to them was that my feelings were valid. I was feeling insecure with where I stand in people's lives (i.e. my friends)  and I was feeling some level of self-hatred in one way or another. It was stupid at best because I never had a reason to feel insecure but I just did. Whenever I got lost in a thought for too long it always went back to that nagging thought of 'because you never matter as much to them.' Yo can you shut the fuck up?

I've digressed. 

When I talked to my second friend, I kept apologizing for putting the load on him and some conversations later and a few more sorry's he said, "No more sorrys. Even if we mean it, just don't say it." And I texted back saying, "Because at the end of the day, we know we are forgiven for being humans."

Let me break down a few things. First, when I said that to him, my mind went on a whole train of thought about that; about forgiving people for being humans. At the end of the day, we are just trying our best to get through the day and sometimes we make mistakes along the way. Everybody does. And a big part of being in a family, or friendships, or relationships is forgiving each other for not being perfect, because no one is. Sometimes I say something stupid (maybe a lot of the times), or I don't keep in touch, or am not supportive of things, so I can only hope that people forgive me for that. But that of course should always come with saying, "I'm sorry." But I try. I try and I'm learning to forgive people even if they don't say those words because some things are just trivial and should not matter compared to that relationship that we have. And even harder than that, I have to learn to forgive myself for "being weak" and having to reach out to others. 

Second point goes along with that; talking to someone. I often find myself content in my own company. I got used to it over the years, that I become ashamed of needing someone to make me feel okay. For some reason, I felt unsafe to talk to someone except for a handful of people. So I try to hold on to my own safe haven whom I am so fucking lucky to have. I'm not saying I should go and pour my heart out to whoever crosses my path because that shit scares me. But I learned that I have my safe space and I know now to talk to someone I am comfortable with. Just because I can keep myself occupied on a day to day basis, it doesn't mean I can't reach out when I'm having a bad day. My friends will forgive me for having a bad day (kan? hahaha). Well, I hope so.

Going back to Spiraling, I learned how to cope with emotions by giving them names. Spiraling, Weird Place, Sinking, Sendu, and my oldest friend, Serial Killer Mode. I haven't seen that one in awhile so that's good. The reason behind having the names is whenever I feel any one of them, I know which remedy works best for me. I know which ones I need to reach out for, which to shut myself in for. They have various degrees, of course, and I'm still constantly trying to figure them out because the better I know about them, the better I know how to deal with them. This is just a side note, I guess. Everyone has their own way of handling their emotions and this is just mine.

I said I had a weird year and by God, I mean it. I met quite a number of people this year, some of them I'm proud to call my friends, and I learned a lot about myself. I learned how so fucking flawed I am, and how I'm a bad friend and I promise myself to be better. My friends deserve better after all of the love they've given me. I learned so much about friendship, and forgiveness that comes with it. I discovered new feelings I never thought I could have (which is by far the cringiest thing I can ever say and I'm already getting flashbacks while still dealing with the aftermath of those emotions). Yang tau je tau lol. 

I learn a lot this semester but I'm not gonna get into it or else it'll turn into a lecture, but, I will say that I had such amazing lecturers and they have taught me a lot. I'm happy to call myself an English major. Still don't know what to do with that degree, though. 

I don't think this one post is enough to wrap up a whole year and I guess you can see that from my older posts. This is just what's currently at the top of my head. And as for the title for this one, 'An open letter to myself', it's just a hope that someone else may resonate with what I wrote and maybe someway down the road, I help someone else. Or at the very least, provide you with some sort of an entertainment, I don't know. Speaking of an open letter, I like letters. I like notes. I went to a school where letters and notes are a common thing and I'm a basic bitch like that. So, if you want a letter or a note from me, just let me know (? I am so weird, I'm sorry) and if you have a letter for me, I'll happily accept even if it's just you telling me off for the shits that I do. Maybe we can settle some scores. I just don't like passive-aggressiveness, alright? Or subtweets. Say it. To my face. 

I'll end this here and see you in the one!

-Nik.