Disclaimer: This will probably be shorter
than usual as I am still having writer’s block.
I had a bad day yesterday and the day
before that. So, two nights ago I wanted to write an entry either about ‘Value’
or ‘Ignorance” but I couldn’t get my brain to function normally. I blame the cappuccino
I had at dinner. The Wi-Fi was very, very shitty too and I was texting my
friend which added to the anger and my damn hands could not stop sweating that
I couldn’t type properly, and I was two seconds away from throwing my phone and
laptop to the wall. Then I stayed up until two in the morning, courtesy of the coffee,
watching YouTube videos until I fell asleep.
The next day, I woke up feeling exhausted and
having zero motivation to do anything. Okay, let me correct that. I had things
I wanted to do. I wanted to paint, I wanted to draw and I also wanted to finish
the damn blog entry but I still couldn’t get my thoughts in a straight line. I
tried drawing, I made two sketches and one of them was an abomination. The
other one was decent but I didn’t feel like shading it. I got irked easily too
when talking to people yesterday. Yikes.
It was probably late that evening when I understood
what was going on with me.
These past few weeks, maybe even months I’ve
been obsessed with ‘being good’. Everytime I have bad thoughts or I make the
wrong decisions, I tell myself “I’ve been good, and I wanna stay good.” It’s
almost a mantra I use to remind myself of the progress I’ve made, as slow as it
is. I’ve had a lot of good days that I came to hate my bad days. Nobody
likes a bad day, I know, but I didn’t want to accept mine. I refused to let the
day go by without having to get something done. But when I did do something,
and it turned out shitty, I blame myself again. It’s not pretty.
I forced myself to do something, to be productive
that all I ended up being was tired. I was tired from trying to catch a train
of thoughts that could help me write something, anything. I was tired from being
angry at myself for letting it sink. I was tired from being angry at everything
and nothing. So I shut down and watched anime instead. Now that cheered
me up.
I forgot that it’s okay to have a bad day, to
feel shitty and to do nothing about it. Let myself mourn for a day, so I can
move past it. I forgot, again, to be human. And I forgave myself for that. I
had a bad day, so what? People do. Just have that bad day so you can appreciate
the good days even more.
“Relapse is a part of recovery.” – Beautiful
Boy
“To feel crummy doesn’t mean that you
should not just feel crummy.” – Timothée Chalamet
Well, that is a short one but I want to put
it out there so I can remind myself that a bad day is nothing more but a
bad day.
-Nik.
Nik Fateen. An introvert trying to find home in a foreign space.